Saturday, October 29, 2011

The dreaded news...

Dr. L came in today. There are 4 different doctors with in the same practice that make rounds at the hospital. I have now officially met all of them. He came in and told me the lovely news that I won't be leaving the hospital for the next 7 weeks, ( I'll be 34 weeks then) and that is when they would take out the Cerclage. And depending what happens after that I may not go home until I deliver. He said 3 strikes and I'm in and that he didn't want me going home because when I do shit hits the fan. His words exactly. I knew it was coming I guess and all I hear is, "That's what's best!" Yes, I know. But have you ever had to stay in a hospital for 3 months. Not being able to even leave your room and staring at the same 4 walls. Only get out of bed to use the restroom or shower. And the only signs of life outside is through a window 6 floors up. It's not easy and I think I may possibly lose my mind by the end of all this.

 I randomly cry for no reason and Blake always asks me what's wrong. I no longer cry because of the thought of losing Levi. Which I know is still a chance. I cry at the thought of losing myself. I know it will all be worth it in the end but getting to that point is a daily struggle. I feel like I am in prison. Trapped in a body laying in a hospital bed. Fall is my favorite time of year and to think of spending the holidays in here makes me depressed. I've barely got to see the leaves changing colors or the Halloween decorations. I hear about Halloween parties and how much everyone is having fun. I feel like I'm missing life to bring a new life into this world. It should be a no brainer and not be so difficult but for some reason it is. I have my family and a few select people that come and visit me and for that I am thankful. My mom comes everyday and Blake stays here 24/7 other than when he goes to work. Yet I still feel alone. I feel like no one cares or understands how hard all of this has been for me. Every time I talk about it all I can do is cry. Sometimes I just want to shut down and be alone.

Pregnancy should not be this difficult. And for anyone that has never been in my shoes or knows what it is like
to worry every single day about losing your first child, stressing over paying bills because you can't work, or just doing daily things you take for granted....I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

If by chance I do get discharged at 34 weeks it would be December 16th. That seems so far away. Spending Christmas in here would probably make me even more depressed. I absolutely love Christmas. This year I won't be able to decorate a tree, go Christmas shopping, cook Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas dinner , and bake all of this Christmas cookies I love making.

There's so many things I stress over that have happened with in the last year that I keep all bottled up inside of me and I really don't know how much more I can take. I'm only one person and why should I have to deal with all of this. What did I ever do??

Levi is one lucky little boy and praying we make it through all of this I know it will be worth it. I just have to keep telling myself that.


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