The dreaded news...

Dr. L came in today. There are 4 different doctors with in the same practice that make rounds at the hospital. I have now officially met all of them. He came in and told me the lovely news that I won't be leaving the hospital for the next 7 weeks, ( I'll be 34 weeks then) and that is when they would take out the Cerclage. And depending what happens after that I may not go home until I deliver. He said 3 strikes and I'm in and that he didn't want me going home because when I do shit hits the fan. His words exactly. I knew it was coming I guess and all I hear is, "That's what's best!" Yes, I know. But have you ever had to stay in a hospital for 3 months. Not being able to even leave your room and staring at the same 4 walls. Only get out of bed to use the restroom or shower. And the only signs of life outside is through a window 6 floors up. It's not easy and I think I may possibly lose my mind by the end of all this.

 I randomly cry for no reason and Blake always asks me what's wrong. I no longer cry because of the thought of losing Levi. Which I know is still a chance. I cry at the thought of losing myself. I know it will all be worth it in the end but getting to that point is a daily struggle. I feel like I am in prison. Trapped in a body laying in a hospital bed. Fall is my favorite time of year and to think of spending the holidays in here makes me depressed. I've barely got to see the leaves changing colors or the Halloween decorations. I hear about Halloween parties and how much everyone is having fun. I feel like I'm missing life to bring a new life into this world. It should be a no brainer and not be so difficult but for some reason it is. I have my family and a few select people that come and visit me and for that I am thankful. My mom comes everyday and Blake stays here 24/7 other than when he goes to work. Yet I still feel alone. I feel like no one cares or understands how hard all of this has been for me. Every time I talk about it all I can do is cry. Sometimes I just want to shut down and be alone.

Pregnancy should not be this difficult. And for anyone that has never been in my shoes or knows what it is like
to worry every single day about losing your first child, stressing over paying bills because you can't work, or just doing daily things you take for granted....I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

If by chance I do get discharged at 34 weeks it would be December 16th. That seems so far away. Spending Christmas in here would probably make me even more depressed. I absolutely love Christmas. This year I won't be able to decorate a tree, go Christmas shopping, cook Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas dinner , and bake all of this Christmas cookies I love making.

There's so many things I stress over that have happened with in the last year that I keep all bottled up inside of me and I really don't know how much more I can take. I'm only one person and why should I have to deal with all of this. What did I ever do??

Levi is one lucky little boy and praying we make it through all of this I know it will be worth it. I just have to keep telling myself that.

Christine

Ultrasound Update 10/28/11

We made it to 27 weeks! We would have ever thunk it! Going from being told our baby won't make it to he's still in there baking away. He truly is a miracle baby and stubborn as his dad! Blake said he's grounded until he's 18 already! LOL

We had our ultrasound check up yesterday at 11:30. I got up and got ready, even put some makeup on for a change. We get in the room and she checks Levi and said how cute he is. She then does the vaginal one to check my cervix and instantly says, "Well guess where your going!". That's all she said the entire time. Not sure if you've ever seen a cervix on an ultrasound but it's hard to tell what it what. All I could tell was that there was a lot of black which meant it was open more than normal. And I could see the 2 white dots which are my Cerclage. And the black was opening up to that stitch. So not being told anything she makes me lay down and wait so she can talk to the nurse. She comes back in and hands me 'the envelope' and tells me to head to the hospital. NO!!! I think I jinxed myself by saying I wanted to be home for Halloween. Well not now!

So we get to the hospital still not knowing anything. My favorite nurse is there and she helps me to my room. The same one I originally started in. I ask her if she knew what was going on and she said she hasn't got report yet. So by this point I'm a little nervous.

She finally got report and said that my cervix is funneling down to where the Cerclage is and that my cervix is measuring 10mm. Which I know isn't good. They were concerned whether or not I was having contractions. Told her I didn't feel good the last 2 days and was cramping but I wasn't sure if it was contractions or not. So she hooks me up to the monitors. No contractions. And Levi is kicking away as usual. He hates that thing! I asked her if she knew if I would deliver soon or if I should be concerned. She said no, that I was worse off the first time I ever came in. Now the Cerclage is at least holding me shut and I'm not contracting which is good. They took me off the Indocin last go around because it made the fluid in the sac low. So they put me on Procardia which is the same just doesn't effect the fluid. But now they have me on both of them. Not really sure why?! I know the Indocin effects his kidneys but they said they don't give it past 32 weeks so if he does come early his kidneys will be producing urine, which is what they want.

So I have no IV's or anything this time. Yay! Just laying here and being monitored. They kept asking me are you sure your on bed rest when your at home. Uhh Duh! No I go run around the block a few times. The only difference at home is I walk further to the bathroom. I'm sure they'll probably end up keeping me since every time I go home my cervix gets worse.

I believe the doctor is suppose to come around today so I guess I'll find out more then. Until then I guess I'll lay here and be bored to death. Bed rest is killing me! And I can't wait for this to be over. I will never complain about pain or being bored ever again, I swear!

Blake and I at least got to carve a pumpkin during the little time I was home. We were going to paint my belly like a pumpkin, which we never got around to doing. We may still do it but who knows!

                                                                                 
Have a Happy Halloween Weekend and have some fun for me!
~Christine

P.S. My little brother is getting married Monday and I can't go :(

Christmas?!

I haven't blogged in a few days. Not really any new updates since I don't go to the doctor until tomorrow morning. So I thought I would do a Christmas post. Yes, I know it isn't even Halloween yet! I personally love Christmas tho and wish it could be everyday of the year! Living in Tennessee we get a little snow but no where near like when I grew up in Ohio. I miss building snowman's and going sledding. The snow doesn't stick long enough to really do much of either here :( And unlike Ohio, here if they even say there's a chance of snow, whether it comes or not, they call out school! It's crazy! Then the kids end up having to make up days at the end of the year because they missed so much. Which I do have to say the roads here are awful and they aren't 'prepared' as much as up north. I personally think it's fun. Snow means you get to stay home and no one is out on the roads! Who doesn't like that?! Last year I had to borrow my dads van when it was icy out. Not a good idea! I slid when I hit the breaks and almost went in the ditch when I turned the corner. And wouldn't you know the idiot behind me didn't even stop and went around me! Must have been a northerner (or at least that's what Blake says!) Ha!

Anyway...I love reading books. I could sit and finish a book in a day if it's interesting. Since I'm on bed rest and have been bored out of my mind and have done every craft I can think of. My mom went to the library the other day and brought me back some books she thought I would like. Only I couldn't get past the first chapter of any of them. But she did get one for herself! And it happened to be a Christmas book, which I love reading! This is the book....

After she finished it she gave it to me to read. I've only gotten half way through it so far but it's really good. A Christmas story and murder mystery all in one! I love this author and she also has other books I plan on reading. She co-writes with Joanne Fluke who also writes Christmas books and murder mysteries. So if you're in the mood to read you should pick this up!

Happy Thursday!
Christine

Home Sweet Home

Yesterday I was scheduled to get an ultrasound. It's normally between 9-10am. She didn't end up coming until around 1pm. I was a little annoyed since I was waiting on the verdict of whether I could go home or not. I wanted to just pack my stuff and leave! So the lady comes in and I really don't even remember her, unless her hair was different, but she asked if I had lost weight. Umm no! I'm not exactly getting any exercise ya know! She tells me that the fluid is normal and that my Cerclage still looks good. And that my cervix is between 23-25mm. I knew that was pretty much normal so as soon as she left we started packing! LOL! Well we thought we would leave soon but ended up waiting 2 more hours! The doctor had came in that morning and told me she already had everything written up and ready to go. So I'm not sure if it really takes that long or if the nurse was just slacking. My doctor also informed me that if I were to get pregnant again that she would suggest I get a Cerclage placed in my abdomen since my cervix is so small. Told her I highly doubt after all of this that I will have another one. But who knows! I'll have to look into that. So I'm finally home!

We had a little drama with the medication I'm suppose to be on and Walgreen's refusing to fill it. Last time I was put on Indocin which is a blood pressure medicine but they've also found it stops contractions. They didn't want to fill it because they determined I shouldn't be on it. They ended up giving it to us. Well this time since the Indocin made my fluid low they switched me to Procardia which is the same thing just a different medication. I couldn't go in to get it obviously. So Blake dropped it off and went back later to get it. He was told that they weren't giving it to me again because it isn't used for preterm labor or to stop contractions. Ok, it is 2011. There are all kinds of new medications. You would think Pharmacists would be updated on all of this. NO! I was also prescribed Progesterone that I was to do vaginally. They gave me a pill that is suppose to be taken orally. Yes, I know it can probably just be inserted vaginally but I'm new to all of this and it wasn't what I was use to using in the hospital. And to me it was just kind of unsanitary to not have the proper applicator when I've had an infection before and that's what I'm trying to avoid. Blake was highly frustrated! So I call the hospital and talk to my nurse. She changes it to the Procardia Extended Release which is once a day. The pharmacist (or who we thought was the pharmacist) wouldn't even call my doctor to verify. She just refused to give it to me. So I get all that figured out. Blake had to go to work by this time. So I try calling Walgreen's to make sure they got the phone call from the nurse. No one answers after being on hold for 20 mins. (Blake's cousin in Florida was also highly mad and called and complained too!)My mom goes up there and is gone for an hour! She comes back and tells me that the person refusing to give me the medication was an Intern! Who clearly didn't know what she was doing because she kept messing up other orders. The pharmacist didn't even know what was going on. My mom talked to the store manager and told him that she should not be working back there if she doesn't know what she's doing! So after all that I finally got the medicine I need. Had they refused to give it to me and I had contractions they would be in a huge mess of trouble! Needless to say I will never go back to Walgreen's ever!

I have to call today (which I just reminded myself..thanks!) to get an appointment for Friday to get my cervix rechecked. Can I just say I am so annoyed with all of this! Yes I know it is for my baby and I shouldn't complain but unless you have been through it I don't think you realize just how frustrating all of this can be! I mean I can't even walk in the kitchen and get a glass of water. I've laid in a bed going on a month. Lord, is it December yet?! I never thought I would cry because I missed working but on the way home I did. I hate just laying here knowing Blake and my mom have to do everything for me. I almost feel like I'm in prison or something. I just have to keep telling myself that come December it will all be worth it. Right now it doesn't feel that way.

Time to catch up on some tv and watch Hocus Pocus!

Happy Monday!
Christine

26 weeks and some good news!

Today I am 26 weeks! Yay! Never thought I would make it this far! This next picture isn't very flattering but being on bed rest it's not going to be cute no matter what since all I wear is pajamas. And I'm not suppose to get up anyway! So here it goes...

No stretch marks yet!

 I had an ultrasound this morning. He weighs 1 pound and 13 ounces. I swear he feels bigger for how strong he is! My cervix is now measuring 21mm. Which isn't super good but almost there. The fluid and everything is normal. No more steroid shots thank god! Dr. M said she could have let me go home today but she would feel more comfortable if I stayed until Sunday. They'll do an ultrasound that morning and if all is good I guess I can go home! I have the stupidest cervix in the world! And all I want to do is to be able to go outside or for a walk. I'm use to standing pretty much all day at work so now that I haven't been the blood in my legs doesn't know what to do!

They woke me up at 5am and I didn't fall asleep til almost 1am. I see a nap in the near future. My 2 nephews and my brother along with my mom came today. I'm wore out!

(Bed rest = not so hot looking! My 3 year old nephew loves to get in the bed and change the channels non stop when he visits!)

 

 My 4 month old nephew. So cute!

Never thought I'd say this but I really miss working! I thought I would take some time off after he comes but soon as I can I'm going back! Might not say that when he's here but there's only so much you can do stuck at home or in the hospital.

That's all for now!

Happy Friday!
~Christine

P.S. I have an old high school friend that I lost touch with after I moved from my home town. She's had to deal with infertility but was able to have her miracle son to look at every day. Just wanted to say if I could take away all her pain I would because I know how difficult it is and every time I see her sad it makes me want to cry. So if you're reading this just keep your head held high and thank god every day for the miracle that you do have and just pray you will be blessed with another one <3

Progesterone and Steroids

My last go around in the hospital I never received the 2 steroid shots that helps improve babies lungs in case they are preterm babies. My doctor swore she thought I got them so.....last night I got my first one in my hip. Fun stuff! The nurse kept telling me it would hurt. Which it did burn and was sore for about 5 minutes. But to me the Mag going through my hand hurt way worse! It actually made me cry.

Tonight I get my second steroid shot. And Dr. M also came in earlier and said that starting tonight I would be getting Progesterone given vaginally. (That sounds like a load of fun!) She didn't really say why. Not sure if I'm not producing enough. All she said was it helps the cervix. Okay?!

And of course in the morning I will get another ultrasound which I'm sure I can already tell you the outcome. Stupid cervix!

Hopefully tonight I will finish Levi's baby blanket that I'm crocheting and I also found the cutest little crocheted outfit via pinterest that I just started. My mom taught me how to crochet years ago and I only knew how to do a granny square. Well playing around I came up with some other pattern which is close to a granny square but the holes are smaller. So that's the pattern I'm doing the blanket in. And today I was wanting to figure out an even tighter pattern, and I figured it out! It doesn't have any holes at all. It's pretty much just a repetitive chain stitch. Hopefully I can get that all figured out and done soon! But here is what I'm attempting to make. (Minus the pink bow of course!) I'm doing the tan one :)

I'll update again tomorrow after I hear the news about the ultrasound.

Happy Thursday!
~Christine

10/19/11 Ultrasound

It's official!....My cervix hates me! On Monday it was measuring at 19-20mm and today it is now 16mm. What the heck?! The good news is that my fluid level was at 5 (whatever that means) and it is now at 12 which I was told is normal. I can't win for losing I swear! My cervix is also funneling right down to where the Cerclage is. I asked her if it could come out, she said only if I start having contractions. And then they would do everything they could to stop them. Either restart me on the Indocin or start me on the Mag again. :( So they're going to repeat the ultrasound on Friday and go from there. Sounds like I'm more than likely going to be here until I deliver because my cervix has yet to cooperate. I'm just glad I'll be 26 weeks on Friday which I know is still early but he at least has a better chance then when I had originally found out all of this.

Oh and this bed is killing me! It's one of those delivery beds again. Ouch! I think might have broke a hip.

And Levi definitely already has his own personality. He hates the doppler or being poked. So when they put it on my belly he moves to the other side and kicks it really hard. Ha! I wish I was further along so he can come out and play already! And as of last night I can officially see him kicking from the outside. So weird!

Keep your fingers crossed!


~Christine